3 posts tagged “adoption”

I was 16. I was too young and I was scared. You were born the afternoon of June 11, 1983 at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago. I didn't know I was in labor, I was in for a doctor's appointment. You were a week late. Seems the norm my boys, your brother was a week late as well.

I was hanging out with my best friend Tessa, I knew I had to go to the doctor and I was out of school because it was near time for my delivery. I was down to going in every week for a check-up.

I can honestly say I don't remember much of what happened after I got to the hospital. Tessa and I walked there from her house about 6 blocks, at the most, away. I was carrying her niece Jennifer, yes, carrying a 2 year old when I was 9 months pregnant. I do believe that it was one reason I was in labor when I got to the hospital.

I was 15 when I met your father...not nearly a virgin, but that's another story. I was definitely not an angel, but...I wasn't a bad girl either.

It gets a bit fuzzy, I'm not clear on how I ended up on the hospital bed with a IV drip of Oxytocin egging on my labor... Tessa called my mother and tried to call your father.

I fell for your father, literally, the first day we met. I was actually dating his cousin, sorta...well, not really, he thought we were dating...I was just hanging out. (For the record, I never slept with him or even kissed him more than a couple times). We were hanging out at his house and your father came over...and I fell...then I fell on him...by accident, we were all running through the hallway and jumping up to touch the top of the doorway, I jumped, he didn't move, he got an elbow to the back of the head and a concussion....

So, I'm in pain laying there in the bed waiting for my mother and grandmother to get there. It was obvious that your father wasn't coming. He never showed up.Tessa had to leave to take Jen home and honestly, I don't remember if she came back.She was my backbone then, and I know she remembers more than I do.

So many things happened to me after I met him. I started cutting school, I wouldn't go to class. He was 2 years older, and to me, that meant smarter. I would go over to his house and a couple times, even spent the night. I thought he loved me.

The labor is really fuzzy, it was painful, and disturbing. You were my first, I had no idea what to expect. Once my water broke, labor went fast and the next thing I knew I was pushing. You were born with about 5 pushes...you were beautiful. 6lbs 10oz, 21 centimeters, I think... you were a big boy.  Light skin, brown eyes, all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.

Your father wouldn't admit to you being his. In a way, I don't blame him, not now that I look back. He set me up for all kinds of failures. I won't go into them, and I don't know if he meant real harm, I don't think he knew better. You would have to ask him to find out.

The nurses wouldn't let me hold you...they barely would let me see you. My mother had to tell me you were ok.

The next day they brought me the papers to sign. They wouldn't let me name you, they called you Baby Boy Beane.

I don't know how I did it.

Through the tears, shaking hands...I signed you over to a better life.

One I knew I couldn't give you. Of course, there is more to the story. There always is, but its more to be saved for face to face.

It will happen one day. Just know, you have a Mother that has loved you everyday since you were conceived.

I wanted for you something I could not give. I don't wish to intrude on your life. I battle daily with that. I want you to know, however, I will always want to meet you, on your terms.

Always know, there is only one thing I have that no one else can give you. My love.

You have two sisters and one brother who ask about you constantly, I never kept you from them once they were old enough to understand. They want to meet their brother.

I want to meet their brother...

Love,
Taja

 And she steps out of the door to hug me telling me she was my mother. At first I was shocked beyond belief. Who would have thought that she would be in the same place after all of those years? She went to hug me and at first I froze.

I wasn’t expecting to meet her.

I thought I had a little more time to figure out what I would say but nope, the moment was here.

She took me into the house and downstairs to her space. I barely remember what she said to me anymore because my heart was thumping so loud.

All I could think of was that my father was going to kill me because this was one of the endeavors he never wanted me to take.

One of the things that I do remember is that she told me I had a sister, something I always wanted. When I heard the door open, and the sounds of little feet I actually panicked.

I think she called my sis downstairs and when I first got a look at her my heart dropped.

Here was the other half that I had always known existed, but was never quite able to get to. She looked at me and I looked at her. I can’t adequately describe what it feels like to find the other half of you. To this day I am still amazed that she is here, and I can actually call her when I’m having a bad day or anything.

Sorry, I digress.

Momma told me how to reach my father, and gave me his number. When I called and asked to speak to Ronald, his wife said “Taja”…when I said no, the other one I remember the silence.

She dropped the phone and ran off to get him. When he answered it seemed like he had expected me to call one day. But, he is not essential to this story so back to my sis.

It seems like so long ago I gained a sister, two nieces and a nephew, and another mother. I found out that I had another  aunt, two uncles and a grandfather. It was so much more than I was looking I was looking for. And, I don’t regret it for one moment. Although it caused a huge disruption on one side of my family, I gained another. And sometimes I am not comfortable with all of the extra people, I am absolutely thrilled with my sis and the not so little ones.

I can’t live without them.

I know this is not enough, but I can't really think at the moment. Sometimes, I can't remember anything besides Momma opening the door.

To be continued...

My Side:

My sister and I, we didn’t grow up together but we are as close or closer even, than if we had. We are sometimes as different as night and day, and at other times, we are so much alike it’s scary. I love her fiercely, more so now that I know what it is to have grown up without her.

I was born in 1966, Mom was 19 and I was told that I was impatiently delivered 2-months early. I always thought I was an only child...

She was born in 1971,  for some reason, our Mom had the notion that she wouldn’t be able to take care of 2 children because supposedly, she was breaking up with her husband, (who was, thankfully, not my father - which is a story in itself). So, she decided to give her up for adoption.

Now the twist here is: Mama never told anybody. Not even her husband, that she had given my sister up. She told us that she didn’t live very long because she had a hole in her heart. I was crushed, the day my mother came home empty handed, I remember saying "where is my sister?" I remember going into my bedroom at 5 years old and just shutting the door and crying. The more I remember, I don't recall ever seeing a nursery in the works....so this was a planned surrender.

How fitting was it that the story she told, created such a big hole in my heart. That hole has affected the remainder of my life.

Apparently, she believed that it would be the best decision for everybody. No one could talk her out of it if they didn’t know, I suppose. I figure she discussed her decision with her obstetrician because, according to my sister, her adopted parents found out about her through him.

Fast forward to 1995, I was still living with my Mother and Grandmother and my youngest daughter was 3 years old.

Mama comes upstairs and tells me she needs to talk to me. We sat on the couch and she tells me that my Auntie called her to ask her what was going on, that some girl had just called my Grandfather's house asking if he had a daughter named Cynthia. And, if that daughter had a daughter she had given up.

My Grandfather denied it at first, but he called my Auntie to ask her if it was possible. Auntie then called Mama and told her to spill it.

And she did.

According to Mama, she had created a mental block around the entire situation and effectively blocked what had happened so many years ago. My thought is that it was so painful  and along with her having epilepsy, she couldn’t effectively deal with it. She just didn't know how.

She told me that yes, she had lied to us, that my sister was alive. I cried. I was pissed, I was heartbroken, for her and for me. And I was mad as hell. How could she have lied to me like that, all my life. Over and over again. Then I saw in her eyes, the memories, the pain, the regret and I cried again, as much for her as I did for me and the years lost.

I really had only a little time to process this because, the next day, the doorbell rang and it was my sister.

Now this part,  this is where she and I disagree…

Her Side:

I always knew that I was adopted. My parents told me that my birth mother loved me but couldn’t raise me as she was divorcing my father. The story is a little fuzzy as I’m not sure what is truth and what was said to protect me but Mom worked at the ob/gyne office where Momma was going. The consensus was that the doctor talked her out of an abortion by telling her that his nurse couldn’t have anymore children and really wanted another one. A little girl to be specific. The adoption wasn’t a closed one as they normally were back in the day since without this doctor it never would have happened.

Anyways, my Mom claims that the night I was born she had contractions and finally, 5 minutes too late for Mother’s Day, I made my way into the world. My parents took me home from the hospital to the wild, wild 100’s where I stayed until 2nd grade. My Mom always told me that when I was old enough, if I wanted to she would help me find my birth parents. I had doubts as I had heard horror stories of people thinking that it was the right thing to do until they got to know their parents and then they were heartbroken. I didn’t want that to happen to me.

Flash forward to 1992, and my son is having ear infection after ear infection. Since I am mostly deaf in my left ear, I thought it would be best to find out if this was hereditary. Although my Mom worked with the doctor that delivered me, I didn’t have any medical history on my birth parents.

I knew that they had been married so I figured the easiest thing to do was to find them. I went to City Hall and found their marriage license, which was relatively simple since I always knew my last name. That night, I called all of the people in the phone book in Chicago with my last name. Inadvertently, I called my grandfather. I asked him if he had a daughter by the name of *&$%$* and if she had a daughter. He stated yes, but that she was too young to have had a daughter my age. I figured I would give up until I received their divorce records.

Unbeknownst to me, my grandfather called my uncle, who called my aunt who then called my mom and asked about me.

In the divorce records, it listed a little girl, age 5 at the time they were divorced and that my mother was requesting that my father remove his name from the 2 flat they owned on 120th with my uncle and grandmother. I decided to go to the house to see if anyone knew where my grandmother might have moved to since it just made sense that they wouldn’t have stayed in the same house for 23 years. I decided that I would go out there Monday after school. I was so scared.

I drove up to the address in my little station wagon. I was so nervous that I couldn’t open the door for what seemed like 15 minutes. I walked to the door and rang the bell. A woman came to the door and asked what I wanted. I said I was looking for my grandmother and…..

To be continued...