Peradize - Lost...

Before...

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 07:55:09 -0700

I know that this has been passed around the net a lot...but its so pretty....

Before I was a Mom:

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom:

I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom:
I never held down a screaming child so doc tors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late h ours a t night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom:

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom:
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her ch ild.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom:

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

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Tagged too....

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 04:20:59 -0700

JNez and Neke tagged me so I'm doing this for my friends.... (booooo, lol!)

here are the rules:

1. link the person who tagged you…

2. mention the rules in your blog…

3. tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

~~4. tag 6 following bloggers by linking them~~

~~5. leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged~~

Here goes nothing:

I cannot sleep with my bedroom door open, if it gets left open I will wake up and close it...regardless of what time it is
I have a phobia about about animals getting sick...I freak myself out and will not ride when my dog is in the car because he MIGHT get motion sickness....same thing about people, if I think someone may be sick to the stomach...I work myself up to the point that I have to get away from them or I will get sick
I hate clothes...I get undressed as soon as I walk in the house...if nobody is home, I don't put anything on unless I need to cook, then I only put on a xtra big tee shirt....my son hates it....he always tells me to put some clothes on
I obsessed over doing this tag...I woke up and can't go back to sleep until its done...when I get something in my head I must get it done or I can't focus on anything else
I can't sleep in complete silence if I am alone...I must have a radio or tv on
I can't ride the bus without my headphones or a book....

Honestly, I don't like to tag anyone...so the buck stops here...

Peace!

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Am I ready?

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 07:37:54 -0700

Rays of the Sun

Am I ready
to live my life
on my own
Am I ready
to be the one
I've always been
Am I ready
to be free
to love me?
Am I ready
to see the world
to be my own girl
Am I ready?
Yes, I am

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...so kiss my ass...

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:16:16 -0700

Vivian green selfish

You may think I'm selfish
Sorry but I can't help it
Gotta do this for me
Please don't beg and plead
[Repeat 2X]

You don't understand it
Just can't comprehend
how I can just get up and leave
You think it's gone get better
Nothing lasts forever
Open up your eyes and see

That I'm just somewhere else
Don't need nobody to
validate me, I'm good
I wanna do just what I want
Whatever that may be
I'm solely focused on me

[Chorus]
You see, what I'm going through
Might seem selfish to you
But I've never tried it and I think that I'll like it
You see want I'm going through
Might seem selfish to you
But I've never tried it and I think that I'll like it, I do

You've got many folks who love you
No, you don't need me you're gonna be all right
I'm always here for you
Can do what we use to do
But soon someone will come along

As for me I just wanna be free to
Live life to the fullest extent
I've played my role and this chapter has closed
Now cause for new auditions

[Chorus]
[Repeat 2X]

I do(do), I do(do), I do(do), I do(do),
I do(do), I do(do), I do(do), I do(do)
I'm always (lovin too much)
And I'm always (learnin too much)
And I'm always (givin too much)
Givin too much of me
And I'm not (punishin you)
Or blaming you (blaming you)
what I gotta do (I gotta do)
For me
It's what I want (it's what I want)
It's what I need
Just let me be
I'm sorry if you think this is selfish

You see what I'm going through
Might seem selfish to you
But I've never tried it and I think that I like it, I do
What I'm going through
Might seem selfish to you
But I've never tried it and I think that I like it,
[Repeat 4X]

Yes I do, Yes I do
This might seem selfish
I do, I do I like it
This might seem selfish
You see want I'm going through
I know I like it

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friday's feast - 4/18

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 07:22:51 -0700

Appetizer

Name a color you find soothing:

baby yellow, it just makes everything seem so soft and sweet...

Soup

Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience:

driving a go-kart, on a track on my aunt's farm, hit a turn, flew out of the kart.

Salad

What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?

DENIM!

I have a pair of jeans, they are so soft and starting to wear, they are the most comfy thing I own!

Main Course

Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?

I honestly wish I could say that I loved any one artist that much....but I bet I know the answer to a few other folks...lol

Dessert

What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?

Its a tie...E and A

What's ur friday feast?

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Feelin

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:54:49 -0700

Kinda down today
Don't know why
Can't really say

I have everything I need
There's nothing I should want

Roof over my head
Shoes on my feet

I have a job
It pays the bills

So why do I feel
Like something is not real?

I'm treading water
Am I waiting for rescue?

I'm in a holding pattern
Am I ready for take-off?

Something in me is searching
For a missing piece

So I'm feelin kinda down today
Don't know why
Can't really say...

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I'm just gonna write

nobody@vox.com(Peradize - Lost...) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 11:28:50 -0700

I have so much to say that its getting stuck coming out...I'm blocked, so I'm just gonna write what comes to mind and sort it out later. Forgive me if I'm all over the place.

I've been really distracted lately, at work, at home...just kinda out of it.

Work:
I have had 2 important projects given to me recently. One, I was fine with, it was something that I am accustomed to doing and I got that one done, out of the way, launched and newsletter sent this Friday.

It was simply adding new content to our website. Although that can be a daunting task due to the legal ramifications of EVERYTHING we say now...geez...we had to run everything through our legal department.

Now the other one is giving me the blues. I'm finally doing what I'm supposed to be doing and it scares me...really. I've been given a project where I have to do some research first and then create some questions to submit to my boss. I hate research...so I have been procrastinating...terribly. I have the first part of the report done, and most of the research but I can't seem to get the questions formulated. Its all a mish-mash to me right now.

Its a strategic partnership report comparing a current partnership with a new possibility, and its the first one I've ever done. Ever. Its scaring me because I am not confident its something I can shine in...but I'm gonna try my best.

Home:
What can I say, its been hectic here. Baseball season has started and my son plays varsity. Problem is that his dad coaches his team. So they have been bumping head cuz his dad yells too much and it gets in his head so he can't focus.

The head coach asked my son why he was not playing his usual game, so he told him its was because of his dad's yelling. So the coach mentions it to his dad...not good, not good at all. Dad took it very hard and is taking it out on everybody in this house...everybody is a target now.

I had to stop him the other day and tell him that he should be quiet before he says something that really hurts somebody's feelings and that he can't take back. It was moving that way, every word that came out of his mouth this week has been negative and it's been hard to let it slide off of my back.

I've been learning to ignore most of his ranting and raving, but its been hard. Sometimes he says things that beg for an answer or a smack upside the head. But I've been doing good at not letting him get to me recently.

A friend told me to day that she has noticed a change in me regarding him, that I seem to have shrugged him off mentally and emotionally.

I have, I have acknowledged his affect on me and my reasons for being here with him and all the reasons for needing to shrug him off physically.

My Life, online...
I have plenty of real life friends, as I have mentioned before. I also have an abundance of great online friends as well, some are passing acquaintances. Some have evolved into real friends that I interact with everyday both online and off.

Yesterday was an emotionally trying one with my closest online friend to date. He is going through a crisis and reached out to me. This is a man that I have mad respect for, and mad affection. He has touched me in ways I really don't think he still understands.

With his courage and bravery in sharing his story, he inadvertently has made me confront a myriad of my demons and begin to process my actions and acting out in different situations.

I thank him for that.

He has come into my life at a time where I needed his type of support and realness. No sugar coating and no flowery prose trying to flatter me. He's real and his presence is real in my life. Something I really needed, someone who could get past the exterior, the facade and see the real, and raw, person inside.

I went on a roller coaster of emotion with him yesterday, fear, compassion, anger and despondence. One reason is that I see a lot of me in how he deals with the things that have shaped who he is. And he's been able to take a step further in his healing than I have.

I look forward to our friendship blossoming in the future, not as a couple but as true friends because those are the people that you can depend on in your hour of need.

Those of you who I have let in, and you know who you are, you know what you mean to me because I don't hesitate to tell you. But I want to say again, thank you for being real and being in my life, you have made my journey so much more easy.

I think this was the real purpose of my post, NEVER dismiss the connections you make online for they can be just as real and as valid as ones you make off line.

Be peaceful and be real...

Smooches

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