I wrote this a couple years ago and this weekend I spent some time with a mutual friend of ours and realized how much I still miss my Mommy.
I miss my Mommy.
The sad thing about the sentence above is that I can't actually remember her being my "mommy", oh, she was my mother, that there is no denying, but was she my mommy? I couldn't tell you right now if my life depended on it. So tell me, how can I miss somebody I think I never really knew?
I wanted to write a tribute to the one person who shaped me into the woman I am today, but, I can't because sometimes I feel I raised myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, I remember my mother, I remember her love, that is undeniable, I do remember her comforting me when I was scared, yelling at me for some random stupid stuff I did. But she wasn't there sometimes, it was like she was detached from me.
I remember her eyes, they were a shade of hazel greenish mixed with brown, she had beautiful auburn hair that never, ever needed chemicals, though she couldn't stand it sometimes. People always said that I looked just like her and that I now I act just like her, but I just can't see it. I would post a picture, but I don't have any, she hated the camera, I could never get her to smile when I was taking photos.
I was born at 5946 S. Indiana, I can put this up here because that location is no longer there, We lived there the first 6 years of my life, and in that time, I can't remember her walking me to school or any birthday parties. But I remember my uncle who was in a wheelchair, he used to comb my hair everyday before school.
I remember stowing away in my uncle's car one time because she wouldn't let me go to the drive-in with them. I have vague memories of my mother's wedding to my step father. I don't remember her being pregnant, but I do remember when she came home from the hospital in 71 and telling me my baby sister had died because she had a hole in her heart, that is the one distinct memory I had.
I remember we had to move because of a fire in the winter of 1972. They woke me up and carried me out of the basement apartment in my pajamas to a police car for safe keeping, I remember the apartment courtyard next to us looked like all of the basement apartments had fireworks exploding in them. When I think about it now, it must have been all of the emergency vehicles. I remember being told later that someone threw a molitav(sp) cocktail through the upstairs bedroom where my grandmother's uncle lived.
I remember my grandmother walking around with rollers in her hair, and my mama used to pincurl her hair.
I remember she smoked, that smell will never leave me, it may also be why I never smoked either. She loved liver and onions, brussell sprouts, lima beans and chittlins...bleeech...lol
I remember once walking in on her an my step-father and he had the biggest bowl of weed I had ever seen, now or then...lol
I remember she had epilepsy, and always being terrified she would have a seizure when I was alone with her...and of course, she always did, and her medicine never really controlled it. She was a sleepwalker, I would wake up because the doorbell was ringing and she would be outside in her nightgown, not knowing where she was or who I was. Most times she could feel it coming on and would warn me, but there was nothing anyone could do about it, I do remember feeling extremely helpless when that happened because even though I knew she couldn't control it, it hurt that when she came out of it, she never knew who I was.
I remember she was a terrible housekeeper and I remember she slapped the shit out of me once because I didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste.
After she got divorced, I remember her dating this Greek guy that really weirded me out.
I don't remember us spending much time together, she worked for Trans Union Credit back when it was at 425 N. Michigan and she worked all the time. I remember her being extremely stubborn and opinionated, to the point I was embarrassed to go places with her.
I don't remember her being at any of my school functions except for graduations. But I do remember that I almost gave her a heart attack when I ran away, she never tried to find me, but she was slick and had my boyfriend at the time come and get me and bring me home.
I remember that when my puppy dug into my first boyfriends bookbag and took out his jock strap and she found it under the kitchen table, she asked me was I having sex, I told her no (I was telling the truth then). This was the advice she gave me, "Good, never let your emotions control you." Now, at that time I was 14, what the hell was I supposed to do with that information, hell, I'm damn near 40, and I still have trouble with that concept. I never had the "sex talk" with her...everything I learned about sex was taught by my girlfriends and my boyfriends...and school of course...
I remember the look on her face when I told her I was pregnant when I was 16 and the sheer fear that she was going to whip my natural black ass for it. But she didn't, all she said was that the only choices I had were to have an abortion or give the baby up, or I wouldn't have any place to live. And she almost forced me to have an abortion, but I could not and after I read the fine print on the authorization form that stated I didn't have to do it if I was being forced or otherwise coerced...she looked like she was going to die right there, she had never been so mad at me as she was then. I remember that when I delivered, she didn't want me to see my baby because she didn't want me to hurt more than necessary.
As I sat down to write this I kept drawing a blank, like I had a wall up between me and my memories. I initially wrote this down long-hand, hoping that it would help me to remember more, but it didn't. I wanted to be honest and open with my memories, but I couldn't seem to focus, it felt like my brains were scrambled. But once I started to type, it seemed like I remembered more than I knew I did. I see I could go on and on, but I won't. There is so much more now, this has helped me immensely to remember my Mommy.
Rest in Peace, Cynthia Irene, February 9, 1999.
She did the best she could with the tools she had and honestly, her shortcomings were not what made me who I am, it was her strengths....
for me
not for who you think you see
inside of me
are you longing to be
my head
my mind
heart and soul
accept me
for who I am
not for who you want me to be
my love
my life
my eyes
my sight
my hands
my feet
are all part of me
Last night I got home and you could cut the tension in my house with a knife. My daughter was angry with her father and her father wasn't trying to hear it.
I hate coming home to such nonsense. Only the dog acted like he loved me. My son wasn't home, but when he walked in, the first thing he said was what was wrong with me.
I see her dad trying to control her every move, unnecessarily. She is the child that I honestly think has taken my teachings to her heart and listened to me. Unfortunately, I think he sometimes he sees a lot of me in her and doesn't want her to stray.
She has a lot of self-respect and does not portray herself as what the kids call a bust-down...
She has an older guy friend, and its a sore subject. She was a freshman and he was a senior when they met. He played baseball with her brother so they were always in close contact.
Yes, she had a crush on him and he honestly liked her and I think he still does. Last summer we sat down and had a talk with the both of them. We let him know that she was not allowed to date and probably would not be allowed to date him when she turned 16 because of the age difference. Also, because he is a freshman in college now and she is just a sophomore in high school.
We didn't completely ban contact, you know how that would have turned out, but it was set that he could not come to our house her unless we were home.
So he has graduated and visits the school at times and the other day he came to the school and walked into the Gym with her...and her dad was there, the first thing both he and her brother did was interrogate her. Asking where have you been all day.
They thought she had been with him all day. That really hurt her. That hurts me, that they thought that she was like that. That she was like me...
Her dad also jumped down her throat about hugging people. He is not affectionate, she and I are. Very. Can that be misunderstood? I suppose so.
But he won't listen to neither of us.
I tried to talk to him yesterday about what was going on and the first thing he says is, don't you have a good relationship with your daughter.
Then I say to him, what did you say to her.
I knew she was hurt and angry but she is intimidated by him and won't always tell me when he is around.
She finally told me and if you could have seen the hurt in her face...I wanted to cry.
He told her he would put his foot in her ass if her grades dropped. She has about a 3.8 on a 5 point scale, and that is not easy to keep up...
He thinks its because of her staying at the school and managing the basketball and baseball teams.
He yelled at her about hugging and touching people.
I guess he doesn't understand that its because of him and her brother that she feels comfortable around them and the sports. All of her life she has been at the baseball field with her father, now he doesn't want her to be around because she is a young lady now.
I went back in the room and closed the door to talk to him in private. I warned him that if he kept this up, he would shove her in the direction that he didn't want her to go and lose her like he lost our first daughter...he told me to get out of his face...
We raised her well, she has both of us. My openess and his mean streak. She don't take no shit off those boys at all.
But he doesn't see that. What I think he sees sometimes is me. He knows of my past and some of the things I have done and doesn't want that for her.
He doesn't trust that I have armed her with knowledge and information that I didn't have. That we talk about everything. That she says she isn't interested in sex ruining her life.
But he doesn't trust either of us.
How did you create your username for VOX? What influenced your decision?
Submitted by Strive2Be.
Its a play on the word Paradise. During the summer, I grew up at Paradise Lake in Michigan and its a part of me...the sun and the water...I sometimes go by SunShyn...but I feel I've begun to overuse that one...
