My 1st Son

I was 16. I was too young and I was scared. You were born the afternoon of June 11, 1983 at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago. I didn't know I was in labor, I was in for a doctor's appointment. You were a week late. Seems the norm my boys, your brother was a week late as well.

I was hanging out with my best friend Tessa, I knew I had to go to the doctor and I was out of school because it was near time for my delivery. I was down to going in every week for a check-up.

I can honestly say I don't remember much of what happened after I got to the hospital. Tessa and I walked there from her house about 6 blocks, at the most, away. I was carrying her niece Jennifer, yes, carrying a 2 year old when I was 9 months pregnant. I do believe that it was one reason I was in labor when I got to the hospital.

I was 15 when I met your father...not nearly a virgin, but that's another story. I was definitely not an angel, but...I wasn't a bad girl either.

It gets a bit fuzzy, I'm not clear on how I ended up on the hospital bed with a IV drip of Oxytocin egging on my labor... Tessa called my mother and tried to call your father.

I fell for your father, literally, the first day we met. I was actually dating his cousin, sorta...well, not really, he thought we were dating...I was just hanging out. (For the record, I never slept with him or even kissed him more than a couple times). We were hanging out at his house and your father came over...and I fell...then I fell on him...by accident, we were all running through the hallway and jumping up to touch the top of the doorway, I jumped, he didn't move, he got an elbow to the back of the head and a concussion....

So, I'm in pain laying there in the bed waiting for my mother and grandmother to get there. It was obvious that your father wasn't coming. He never showed up.Tessa had to leave to take Jen home and honestly, I don't remember if she came back.She was my backbone then, and I know she remembers more than I do.

So many things happened to me after I met him. I started cutting school, I wouldn't go to class. He was 2 years older, and to me, that meant smarter. I would go over to his house and a couple times, even spent the night. I thought he loved me.

The labor is really fuzzy, it was painful, and disturbing. You were my first, I had no idea what to expect. Once my water broke, labor went fast and the next thing I knew I was pushing. You were born with about 5 pushes...you were beautiful. 6lbs 10oz, 21 centimeters, I think... you were a big boy.  Light skin, brown eyes, all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.

Your father wouldn't admit to you being his. In a way, I don't blame him, not now that I look back. He set me up for all kinds of failures. I won't go into them, and I don't know if he meant real harm, I don't think he knew better. You would have to ask him to find out.

The nurses wouldn't let me hold you...they barely would let me see you. My mother had to tell me you were ok.

The next day they brought me the papers to sign. They wouldn't let me name you, they called you Baby Boy Beane.

I don't know how I did it.

Through the tears, shaking hands...I signed you over to a better life.

One I knew I couldn't give you. Of course, there is more to the story. There always is, but its more to be saved for face to face.

It will happen one day. Just know, you have a Mother that has loved you everyday since you were conceived.

I wanted for you something I could not give. I don't wish to intrude on your life. I battle daily with that. I want you to know, however, I will always want to meet you, on your terms.

Always know, there is only one thing I have that no one else can give you. My love.

You have two sisters and one brother who ask about you constantly, I never kept you from them once they were old enough to understand. They want to meet their brother.

I want to meet their brother...

Love,
Taja