Peradize & Chaos

I've been transcribing my first journal and decided to share these:

I was a child that believed, the woman I was, loved a young man, because he put a song in my heart. But then he put a tear in my eye when he said, I don’t believe the child is mine.

Because I loved you

A chance to live

I needed to give

You, in a better world

Your growth unfurled

Unrestricted

I predicted

You to survive

You need to know

 My love for you

Is still alive

And continues to grow

As you do, into a man

Your father will show

You things I never can

If you ever decide

You need to see

Here I’ll be

Always the same name

Something that will

Never change

You need to know

That it was NOT

Because I did not, BUT

Because I DID, love you

I gave you a chance

Instead of the romance

That young people believe

Will carry them through

A chance to succeed

In a family and not

Struggle in poverty

So for you to be happy

It fell to me

You needed

A true family

In that moment,

I had to decide

Which life held

The most benefit

In my distress

My only thought

Your happiness

We contacted Father Clements

From there, son

He found the solution

A family he knew

To raise you

When I gave

You to your father

The tear that was in

My eye

Forever

I hold in my heart

I knew I was

Giving you

The very best

I could, all because

I loved you

Can't sleep, may as well write. So much has happened since I last posted. I ended a very long-term relationship, I began a new journey with a new love. I'm healing, I'm growing. I feel great and I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally. But its a great feeling...annnnddd....

I was in a very unhappy relationship for the better part of my life, really, I'm 42 with a birthday coming soon, and I met him when I was 20. The years I should have been in college, learning to live, I was raising a family with him.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I made it as long as I did without somebody getting critically hurt. I've rehashed the details of the who, what, when and why of how he hurt me for the better part of the last 3 weeks and I think I've finally made peace with what has happened.

I've shared with him what he has done to hurt me so badly, what led to me leave him. How every thing that was done, built up and caused me to close my heart to him nearly 5 years ago.

How I have never been as hurt and emotionally destroyed as I was with him and I will never be again.

That chapter in my life has closed.

I learned that had I been stronger and stood up for what I wanted, things would have never degraded to the point where they did. We both have had to take responsibility for the condition of our relationship. He and I. I gave him 2 chances to get it right, he didn't get it. Now that he acts like he does, frankly, my dear, I truly don't give a damn.

This whole ordeal has been a bit harder than I thought it would be, not because I want to be with him, but because being with him was all I knew.

I've never been on my own, never paid my own way, at least not by myself. I went from being at home to living with friends in CA, then back at home to living in a dorm at JSU then back at home. Next came him and kids, living at home with mom and g'mom then living with him for the past 14 years.

I never learned how to budget money, I never learned how to live alone. I never learned to be myself. I never learned to be an adult.

Now I am. Its exciting, its terrifying, its real. Goshdarnit....I have my own!

I have opened another chapter in my life. I'm stronger, I'm better and I have love in my life...but that's another post. *wink*

More to come, there's a lot more to share....

...i'm peaceful...

I was 16. I was too young and I was scared. You were born the afternoon of June 11, 1983 at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago. I didn't know I was in labor, I was in for a doctor's appointment. You were a week late. Seems the norm my boys, your brother was a week late as well.

I was hanging out with my best friend Tessa, I knew I had to go to the doctor and I was out of school because it was near time for my delivery. I was down to going in every week for a check-up.

I can honestly say I don't remember much of what happened after I got to the hospital. Tessa and I walked there from her house about 6 blocks, at the most, away. I was carrying her niece Jennifer, yes, carrying a 2 year old when I was 9 months pregnant. I do believe that it was one reason I was in labor when I got to the hospital.

I was 15 when I met your father...not nearly a virgin, but that's another story. I was definitely not an angel, but...I wasn't a bad girl either.

It gets a bit fuzzy, I'm not clear on how I ended up on the hospital bed with a IV drip of Oxytocin egging on my labor... Tessa called my mother and tried to call your father.

I fell for your father, literally, the first day we met. I was actually dating his cousin, sorta...well, not really, he thought we were dating...I was just hanging out. (For the record, I never slept with him or even kissed him more than a couple times). We were hanging out at his house and your father came over...and I fell...then I fell on him...by accident, we were all running through the hallway and jumping up to touch the top of the doorway, I jumped, he didn't move, he got an elbow to the back of the head and a concussion....

So, I'm in pain laying there in the bed waiting for my mother and grandmother to get there. It was obvious that your father wasn't coming. He never showed up.Tessa had to leave to take Jen home and honestly, I don't remember if she came back.She was my backbone then, and I know she remembers more than I do.

So many things happened to me after I met him. I started cutting school, I wouldn't go to class. He was 2 years older, and to me, that meant smarter. I would go over to his house and a couple times, even spent the night. I thought he loved me.

The labor is really fuzzy, it was painful, and disturbing. You were my first, I had no idea what to expect. Once my water broke, labor went fast and the next thing I knew I was pushing. You were born with about 5 pushes...you were beautiful. 6lbs 10oz, 21 centimeters, I think... you were a big boy.  Light skin, brown eyes, all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.

Your father wouldn't admit to you being his. In a way, I don't blame him, not now that I look back. He set me up for all kinds of failures. I won't go into them, and I don't know if he meant real harm, I don't think he knew better. You would have to ask him to find out.

The nurses wouldn't let me hold you...they barely would let me see you. My mother had to tell me you were ok.

The next day they brought me the papers to sign. They wouldn't let me name you, they called you Baby Boy Beane.

I don't know how I did it.

Through the tears, shaking hands...I signed you over to a better life.

One I knew I couldn't give you. Of course, there is more to the story. There always is, but its more to be saved for face to face.

It will happen one day. Just know, you have a Mother that has loved you everyday since you were conceived.

I wanted for you something I could not give. I don't wish to intrude on your life. I battle daily with that. I want you to know, however, I will always want to meet you, on your terms.

Always know, there is only one thing I have that no one else can give you. My love.

You have two sisters and one brother who ask about you constantly, I never kept you from them once they were old enough to understand. They want to meet their brother.

I want to meet their brother...

Love,
Taja

 And she steps out of the door to hug me telling me she was my mother. At first I was shocked beyond belief. Who would have thought that she would be in the same place after all of those years? She went to hug me and at first I froze.

I wasn’t expecting to meet her.

I thought I had a little more time to figure out what I would say but nope, the moment was here.

She took me into the house and downstairs to her space. I barely remember what she said to me anymore because my heart was thumping so loud.

All I could think of was that my father was going to kill me because this was one of the endeavors he never wanted me to take.

One of the things that I do remember is that she told me I had a sister, something I always wanted. When I heard the door open, and the sounds of little feet I actually panicked.

I think she called my sis downstairs and when I first got a look at her my heart dropped.

Here was the other half that I had always known existed, but was never quite able to get to. She looked at me and I looked at her. I can’t adequately describe what it feels like to find the other half of you. To this day I am still amazed that she is here, and I can actually call her when I’m having a bad day or anything.

Sorry, I digress.

Momma told me how to reach my father, and gave me his number. When I called and asked to speak to Ronald, his wife said “Taja”…when I said no, the other one I remember the silence.

She dropped the phone and ran off to get him. When he answered it seemed like he had expected me to call one day. But, he is not essential to this story so back to my sis.

It seems like so long ago I gained a sister, two nieces and a nephew, and another mother. I found out that I had another  aunt, two uncles and a grandfather. It was so much more than I was looking I was looking for. And, I don’t regret it for one moment. Although it caused a huge disruption on one side of my family, I gained another. And sometimes I am not comfortable with all of the extra people, I am absolutely thrilled with my sis and the not so little ones.

I can’t live without them.

I know this is not enough, but I can't really think at the moment. Sometimes, I can't remember anything besides Momma opening the door.

To be continued...

My Side:

My sister and I, we didn’t grow up together but we are as close or closer even, than if we had. We are sometimes as different as night and day, and at other times, we are so much alike it’s scary. I love her fiercely, more so now that I know what it is to have grown up without her.

I was born in 1966, Mom was 19 and I was told that I was impatiently delivered 2-months early. I always thought I was an only child...

She was born in 1971,  for some reason, our Mom had the notion that she wouldn’t be able to take care of 2 children because supposedly, she was breaking up with her husband, (who was, thankfully, not my father - which is a story in itself). So, she decided to give her up for adoption.

Now the twist here is: Mama never told anybody. Not even her husband, that she had given my sister up. She told us that she didn’t live very long because she had a hole in her heart. I was crushed, the day my mother came home empty handed, I remember saying "where is my sister?" I remember going into my bedroom at 5 years old and just shutting the door and crying. The more I remember, I don't recall ever seeing a nursery in the works....so this was a planned surrender.

How fitting was it that the story she told, created such a big hole in my heart. That hole has affected the remainder of my life.

Apparently, she believed that it would be the best decision for everybody. No one could talk her out of it if they didn’t know, I suppose. I figure she discussed her decision with her obstetrician because, according to my sister, her adopted parents found out about her through him.

Fast forward to 1995, I was still living with my Mother and Grandmother and my youngest daughter was 3 years old.

Mama comes upstairs and tells me she needs to talk to me. We sat on the couch and she tells me that my Auntie called her to ask her what was going on, that some girl had just called my Grandfather's house asking if he had a daughter named Cynthia. And, if that daughter had a daughter she had given up.

My Grandfather denied it at first, but he called my Auntie to ask her if it was possible. Auntie then called Mama and told her to spill it.

And she did.

According to Mama, she had created a mental block around the entire situation and effectively blocked what had happened so many years ago. My thought is that it was so painful  and along with her having epilepsy, she couldn’t effectively deal with it. She just didn't know how.

She told me that yes, she had lied to us, that my sister was alive. I cried. I was pissed, I was heartbroken, for her and for me. And I was mad as hell. How could she have lied to me like that, all my life. Over and over again. Then I saw in her eyes, the memories, the pain, the regret and I cried again, as much for her as I did for me and the years lost.

I really had only a little time to process this because, the next day, the doorbell rang and it was my sister.

Now this part,  this is where she and I disagree…

Her Side:

I always knew that I was adopted. My parents told me that my birth mother loved me but couldn’t raise me as she was divorcing my father. The story is a little fuzzy as I’m not sure what is truth and what was said to protect me but Mom worked at the ob/gyne office where Momma was going. The consensus was that the doctor talked her out of an abortion by telling her that his nurse couldn’t have anymore children and really wanted another one. A little girl to be specific. The adoption wasn’t a closed one as they normally were back in the day since without this doctor it never would have happened.

Anyways, my Mom claims that the night I was born she had contractions and finally, 5 minutes too late for Mother’s Day, I made my way into the world. My parents took me home from the hospital to the wild, wild 100’s where I stayed until 2nd grade. My Mom always told me that when I was old enough, if I wanted to she would help me find my birth parents. I had doubts as I had heard horror stories of people thinking that it was the right thing to do until they got to know their parents and then they were heartbroken. I didn’t want that to happen to me.

Flash forward to 1992, and my son is having ear infection after ear infection. Since I am mostly deaf in my left ear, I thought it would be best to find out if this was hereditary. Although my Mom worked with the doctor that delivered me, I didn’t have any medical history on my birth parents.

I knew that they had been married so I figured the easiest thing to do was to find them. I went to City Hall and found their marriage license, which was relatively simple since I always knew my last name. That night, I called all of the people in the phone book in Chicago with my last name. Inadvertently, I called my grandfather. I asked him if he had a daughter by the name of *&$%$* and if she had a daughter. He stated yes, but that she was too young to have had a daughter my age. I figured I would give up until I received their divorce records.

Unbeknownst to me, my grandfather called my uncle, who called my aunt who then called my mom and asked about me.

In the divorce records, it listed a little girl, age 5 at the time they were divorced and that my mother was requesting that my father remove his name from the 2 flat they owned on 120th with my uncle and grandmother. I decided to go to the house to see if anyone knew where my grandmother might have moved to since it just made sense that they wouldn’t have stayed in the same house for 23 years. I decided that I would go out there Monday after school. I was so scared.

I drove up to the address in my little station wagon. I was so nervous that I couldn’t open the door for what seemed like 15 minutes. I walked to the door and rang the bell. A woman came to the door and asked what I wanted. I said I was looking for my grandmother and…..

To be continued...

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
    Saving Grace - Everlast

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
    Let's Get it Started - Black Eyed Peas (lord have mercy)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
    Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
    We Belong Together - Mariah Carey

30. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
     More Than A Woman - Angie Stone

Not taggin anyone, thought this was fun! Thanks M.Michelle....

My daughter's art teacher gave them this assignment the first week of school and I think its a great idea for breaking the ice and gaining insight in to yourself and others. Plus, dude has a sense of humor...ride with me on this test, I won't have all 100 answered up front, but, I will be sure to change the date so it updates as a new entry when I edit them.

10/7/08 Edit: they threw the paper away...but, if I can come up with more, I will add them...lol

Instructions: This is a test of you, more of a "let's get to know you". Or maybe it's a "you get to know you". Anyway, answer the questions:

1. If you had to brings something in for show and tell, what would it be?
   I remember doing that in elementary school and would be excited all night about showing off my cool things: I would probably bring something really cool, but I can't think of a damn thing right now...
   
2. If I could send you on a trip to any part of the world, which would it be?
   I would love to visit Africa, learn more about the real history of man.
3. What kind of music to you like?
   Soul
4. Who do you like more, dad or mom? Why?
   Mom, I never met my real father.
5. In ten words or less, please give a definition of love:
   Love's what makes you smile when there is nothing else.
6. Favorite sport?
   Baseball, of course
7. Favorite wrestler, new or old?
   Can you smeeeeellll what the Rock is cookin?
   
8. Favorite pizza topping?
   Sausage
9. What was the last argument you had about?
   Someone being EXTREMELY inconsiderate of my feelings.
   
10. Hot, warm, cold or no shower?
    Warm
11. Favorite type of ethnic food?
    Mexican
12. What is a language you wish you spoke?
    Spanish, I have so many friends, that I wish I was fluent
13. If you had to lose one of your limbs, which one would it be?
    My leg, to me walking is less important that everything I do with my hands.
14. Who do you think has a neat voice? This answer does not have to be any famous person.
    Again I say, my boy JNez...;-)
15. What movie character would you like to have played, or been?
    I'll get back to you on this one...hmmmm....but let me put a twist on it, I'm asking you, if you have talked to me, who would you think?
    
16. Who's funny?
    My son, hands down, he is the biggest goofball I know.
17. What is the last great move you saw?
    Vantage Point
18. What is a soothing sound?
    His voice...;)
    
19. In less than five words describe anger?
    Intense negative emotional reaction
20. With no words describe frustration. (this one is better done in person, so just describe what your physical reaction is to frustration)
    Squinted eyes, furrowed brow and deep sighs
21. Tell a joke
    hmmm
22. What are good baby names? 2 for boys and 2 for girls.
    I like Robert, Marcus, Jasmine and Deja
23. What is your favorite punctuation?
    Exclamation point!!!!!
24. If you were a kitchen utensil or construction tool, what would you be?
    The utility knife...
25. What would you die for? Be specific
    To save my child
    
26. What magazines' pictures do you look at?
    Cosmo
27. What magazines do you read?
    Essence, Ebony....not many because there is so much advertising now
28. What is your favorite book?
    I honestly don't have one
29. What would you say is a defining moment in the formation of your personality?
    hmmmmm
30. Are you a good liar? Be honest!
    LMAO! and No, I am not...
31. What do you suppose goes into a chicken pot pie?
    Chicken and pots?...lol...seriously, chicken, potatoes, peas and carrots.
32. Which of all the planets in the Milky Way is your favorite?
    Saturn, its rings are beautiful
33. What word feels best when it rolls of your tongue?
    Fcuk....

...more to come

What’s a simple thing you could do to save money, but are unwilling (or unable) to put to practice?
Sponsored by Microsoft Small Business.

Oh that's easy, stop eating out...

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 42. No, I am not one that cares if anybody knows how old I am. I don't look it, neither do I act my age. This I give to my kids and my family genes.

Today is a relaxing day so far, my daughter needed to get her hair done for the first day of school...she's getting a hair cut, finally, she realized that her hair breaking was not a good look, regardless of how long it is.

So, I'm sitting in the salon with her now while she gets it done. And on that point, you know this is not a black shop, right? We won't work on holidays like this, but the egyptians? You better believe that they are gonna get that money...and at $75 a head...they are bringing in the bucks on the day before school.

I'm actually recovering from my weekend today, and tomorrow...I don't go back to work until Wednesday, so I have a nice long break from the office.

Friday was the first day of celebrations, me and my sis got our hair done and I got my eyebrows waxed...she actually lightened my brows and I like them a lot, they are so dark usually, that it freshens my look, a lot...

August 31, 2008

1 comment

Then we had a late lunch, burgers at Poag Mahone's, damn thing was so big that I didn't eat again until Saturday afternoon...even after 5 Effen Black Cherry and Sprite's and 2 shots of Patron. That burger soaked up all the alcohol...lol.

We met up with one of my co-worker's niece and she had some guys meet us at the second spot we went to. Bad News. Turns out that they both were drug dealers and I was done...by the time we go to the third place to dance, I was like its time to ditch these guys...

The little one, yeah, he was a little snot and he kept kissin on my girl...but she let him, so who am I, right? She was drinking Merlot and she was gone...lol...but she and her niece left with them, I had to say no, I couldn't make myself leave with them...I called her on Saturday and her drunk ass said she didn't even remember his name...damn shame..but as long as she was ok, I was good...

B-day Cake

Saturday, I spent out with my kids getting done with school shopping for my daughter and getting our nails done. First we had a late breakfast, then the mall. Then grocery shopping.

Then, right about when I was getting ready to go to bed, they brought out my birthday cake. My kids didn't want me to have to share with his family on my birthday...isn't that special?

Yesterday? On my birthday? I didn't really do much, lazed around, then my oldest daughter came over with my gift...she got me a Dooney! I was so surprised! She got me that and a digital picture frame.

B-day Present

We went to his sister's for the holiday and ate and listened to music. I enjoyed my kids and his family and the weather was beautiful. I won't even mention the negatives, I am just grateful that my kids love me.

Today? I'm just basically relaxing...gonna go home and make spaghetti  for dinner and just chill...maybe make a margarita. who wants to join me?

~~peaceful~~